calciferous antibodies

just watched the entire series of "elfen lied" and found how truly empathetic i am and got a bit more insight into who i am. i think. if what i'm feeling can really be interpreted, i think that i've found why i can't hold a relationship very long: i want to hold many people, make them happy again, but don't want to be kept from continuing to do so by staying in a relationship. so as a a result, i've hurt many people, after making them feel good. i feel like lucy, who wants only to make that one person happy, but at the same time, i'm kohta, i want to shelter them all. i'm so confused inside it hurts sometimes. and what makes it worse is the fact that i'm attracted to many girls as well. i am attracted to a certain creative beauty that i see in many of the people that i also want to be friends with. but the attraction doesn't stop there, that would be too easy on my head. my imagination plays with everything around me, not letting a single scene go by without showing me something that "could be" or "would be wonderful if..." watching movies and shows is especially hard sometimes because i can truly engage myself at times, feeling myself in the story, truly interacting with everything that is going on. at the same time, i can be as distant as is possible. i'm an emotional piece of flubber, bouncing from one emotion to the next with a random amount of energy seemingly independent of anything that would truly influence me. people that truly see me, and there aren't any that have seen the whole thing, can only get so close. i started a relationship once with a girl that is amazingly intuitive, creative, and empathetic. thing is, nobody had ever uncovered as much of me as she knew just by being around me, and someone accepting that much of me was seemingly impossible to my imagination.

not sure where all of that was going. blah blah me blah relationship blah blah. who do i think i am to be typing such stuff. heh, i think lily even gave up on reading this crazy rantlog. oh well, i don't even go back and read these posts once i've started typing, so it follows that nobody else will or should. just let the fingers go and wham! there's another post. guess it's a good thing that i'm decent at typing.

when all is done, at the end of the evening, or beginning of the morning... hell, most of the day, i feel that my life has little realistic meaning in a world that i have not created. unless i'm helping someone or dreaming, i seem to be of little consequence. sure there are people that care about/like/love me, but it's hard to feel the same about others at times. heh, and when i find someone that really means a lot to me, for whatever reason, i seem to creep them out or bore them. explanation is in order i suppose on that last remark: when i really care about someone, i often have a hard time showing it when i'm around them, and tend to be a bit awkward. my social skills are uncannily sparse, and what ability i have to conversate seems to disappear sometimes when i'm around someone like that. plus, making it so much worse, my hormones don't seem to differentiate between the people that i deem close friends and those that i am willing to go out with. pah, don't think any of that is going to make sense. where am i to go from here?

there are people that make me feel wonderful, just being around them. those are the ones that i care most for, whether they realize it or not. to many people i suppose i simply seem a bit flaky and dumb. "too dumb to exist" according to one friend. but my problem is that i attach myself to so many people that my other sides sometimes rebel and bring me back on my own, to sit in solitude and ponder for a while. geeze, i could use some...



nyu?